responsibility – what’s that? | mortgage, marriage + humans in the womb

I will probably never grow up… and I strongly advise other wandering souls to do this too. This is your official warning, this will likely ruffle feathers, but is in no way meant to offend or preach a certain lifestyle.
See there’s a batch of us climbing up the twenty something ladder that scroll through our facebook feeds, or receive endless threads of text messages about our friends signing their lives into contracts of marriages, mortgages and growing infants in their wombs.
I am happy for every single one of them.
I, however, envision my future a little differently. Which is totally okay.
Sometimes I find myself asking, “Is it okay that I’m not eagerly awaiting to grow another human inside me, or sign away 25 years away of my life to a monthly payment that equates to more than half of what I make?”
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…When would I have time or money to run my toes freely through the sand of some unmarked beach, and when would I be able to use my spare pennies to jet across the ocean to play under the stars? Sometimes I feel like I’m wrong for not wanting to strategically lay out my life into a bunch of key milestones and objectives that are seemingly my responsibility as a living breathing, fully functioning adult.
Life for me, isn’t taking those turns. And shucks, I’d rather play.
I live in chaos. I forget to pay my bills, I pretty much only wear stretchy pants and flannel, and still buy Mr. Noodles when I’m strapped for cash… or I just want Mr. Noodles.
As I’m scrolling through my Facebook feed, feeling all of these things about what seemingly “should” be coming my way, I realize that I am growing up. I’m realizing that there’s no singular right way, one straight and narrow path, but life is full of endless wandering dirt roads- each with epic views along their weathered ways. No path is fully shy of heartache, pain and other earthly uncontrollable circumstances, but there is a way that is unique for each human to take so that through life’s journey we are one hundred percent living who we were made to be. When we’re taking a path that’s authentic to us it makes dealing with life’s obstacles that much easier, and rewarding.
Pay attention to that thumping heartbeat that lives inside of you, and love what only you can love. And maybe that’s settling down- because paying into that home is paying into a future that you are creating and is part of your epic dream.
For those of you in my stage, and your idea of responsibility is paying your cell phone bill on time and opting to pimp out your Mr. Noodles on occasion with some steamed chopped veggies, that’s okay too.
I haven’t always been this free and easy. I used to be a creature of calculation, rules, structure and the straight and narrow. It’s been a painful journey discovering that there’s no shape of that mold which I fit.
We torment ourselves, especially as females, to achieve certain things. To be sought after; worthy of someone’s love so we can achieve these manmade pillars that measure up to a “successful life.” But let’s just all take a deep breath here.
 What makes you smile? Laugh? Feel at peace? The most free?
Do that.
Be that.
Live up to that version of yourself.
For now, find me living a life of lesser responsibility, making reckless choices, dancing too late, drinking too much, singing a little too loud, driving a little too fast. Jetting off on a whim with pennies in my pocket, with today as my focus. Those things bring me so much vibrancy I can’t even put words to it. That’s how I know it’s exactly the rugged dirt road I’m meant to be taking.
Sleeping outside by a fire, jumping off a cliff into salt water, trying something I’ve never done before to feel the exhilaration of adrenaline is my direction. We each have our own personal responsibility to find the source of our happiness for what lights us up and brings us sheer joy.
I find it by refusing to fit an ideal. By solely doing this little thing called whatever the f&$# I want.
So, do you want me to babysit?





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